Be sure to check out some of my recent articles!
- Want to be Attractive? Wear Some Confidence.
- Tips for First Dates or Date Tips in General!
- Who Are You Attracting?
- The Next 260 Weeks
- Revving Your Motor
- What Are You Waiting For?
- Newton’s List
- Quit Scaring Yourself!
- Greatest Love
- Is Your Image Working For You?
Want to be Attractive? Wear Some Confidence
Confidence is probably one of the most potent secret ingredients to being attractive! Believing in yourself exudes quality and character and catches the attention of many admirers. In fact, regardless of whether you are straight or gay, one of the most highly rated turn-ons in polls is confidence.
So what is meant when someone refers to confidence? Confidence is seen in how you present yourself such as walking, talking and dressing and in how you believe and treat yourself and others, i.e. your attitude. You value who you are and have a healthy self-esteem.
Several studies state that confidence starts when you believe in yourself and who you are. It is built upon the feeling that you are an important, desirable and loveable person. In addition, the confident person believes she is deserving of love from a high quality mate. Thus, self confidence attracts the attention and admiration of high caliber individuals.
So how are you measuring up? Are you finding your dream dates? Are you attracting individuals who possess top qualities such as fun, warmth, intelligence, generous, honest and confident? If you are only getting lackluster results in your field of attraction, perhaps now is a good time to try on some confidence! And just how do you acquire confidence?
The first step is to actually learn to value who you are. It is nearly impossible to convince others that you are an exceptional person, if you don’t believe it! It is your sense of self value that ultimately attracts someone of similar caliber.
Are you familiar with the quote by Dr. Sonya Friedman ~ “The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.”
We actually show people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. If we don’t love and value who we are inside, we subconsciously believe that we don’t deserve to be loved and valued. If you don’t respect yourself, no one else will.
To cultivate a genuine belief in yourself that comes from within, be prepared to pay the price for this extraordinary confidence. Whenever you want something of a higher nature, you have to give up something of a lower nature (i.e. bad habits, bad attitude, and negative self-talk).
The more you understand yourself and who you really are, the more confidence you will develop. The lack of self-confidence prevents you from expressing your heart’s desire. Choose then the “study of yourself” as your highest priority.
- Know Your Source. Everything comes from one source (God, Universe, Tao, Spirit, and Supreme Being) and it comes through people. It does not come from people, but through people. Your confidence cannot be granted or earned by another person.
- Think, speak and act only wonderfully about yourself. Never refer to yourself in a derogatory way. Do not abuse yourself. Discipline your mind.
- Surround yourself only with people and influences that support your purpose and your dreams; they respect how special you really are. Do not hang with others who do not believe that there is something wonderful about themselves. If they do not see how wonderful they are and respect themselves, they are unable to respect anyone else. They will be manipulative.
- Decide with Ease. Do not doubt your ability to make good decisions. Don’t worry about what will happen after you’ve made your decision; instead, learn from the outcome of the results.
- Continue Growth & Learning. Ignorance is not bliss. Stretch your knowledge and skills. Feed your soul, mind and body. The road to your success is a progressive course, not an end to be reached.
- Allow Yourself to Receive. Expect good in order to get good.
Before you fully begin to love someone, possess the inner confidence that you are worthy of happiness and love. Believe that you are loving, lovable, and loved and conclude that a high quality, wonderful person is destined to be your mate.
Choose the study of yourself as your highest priority. Treat yourself with value. Discover how to attract your soul mate.
To take the major step towards building self-confidence, contact me at gayl@confidentlyout.com.
Tips for First Dates or Date Tips in General!
Are you an expert at having first dates? Are you wanting to progress to a second date, but you keep doing something to blow it? If you are ready to relinquish the title “First Date Expert”, consider these tips:
Relax – Pre-date jitters are normal. Prior to your date, do not drink to relax. Instead, do some relaxation exercises such as deep breathing. You want to be sharp and alert, not sloppy and obnoxious.
Dress Confidently & Appropriately – Wear clothes that you feel good in. Be sure to wear comfortable shoes. You do not want be miserable or fidgety about what you are wearing.
Venue & Activity – Your first date should be an activity that you can visit with each other and be in a venue that is conducive for conversations. If you go to a movie, be sure to include dinner or drinks so you can visit, too. Remember the idea is to get to know each other not be entertained by what’s on the big screen.
Conversation Topics – It’s always a good idea to have several topics that you can easily talk about. Current events, trivia, popular music and movies, etc. Keep the conversation fun and not too heavy.
Body Language – When you greet your date, smile. Not only will it show her you’re happy to see her, it also shows open and friendly qualities. Sit-up straight and lean forward to show you are interested. Refrain from slouching and yawning. Plus, un-cross your arms; crossing them can make you seem uninterested and unapproachable.
Focus - Eye contact is most important. Look at her when she is talking. Put the cell phone away. Do not be checking for messages or changing your status on Facebook! Plus, do not be gawking at other women or looking over her shoulder! Pay attention to your date!
Genuine – Be honest and sincere. Do not try to be overly impressive. In fact, being too arrogant will probably earn you a spot on the Reject List. She’ll be more impressed by your modesty than anything else.
Good Listener – Really listen to what she is saying. Do not be waiting for her to stop talking so you can throw in your two cents worth. Do not hijack the conversation. Show interest.
Etiquette – Manners are always a must. Be courteous and polite. Here’s a quick refresher on table manners: Keep your elbows off the table, napkin in your lap, do not talk with your mouth full and do not speed eat! She is watching you!
Follow-Up – So the first date went great. You had fun, you flirted, you enjoyed being with each other and you’d absolutely like to see each other again. Don’t keep that a secret. Offer a hug or a kiss. Let her know that you had a great time and you’d like to do it again. Do not play the waiting game, i.e. waiting three days until you call her. It would be fine to text her that night, before you go to bed, to reiterate that you had a great time and you will call her in a day or two.
First dates are all about getting to know the person. Always be genuine, considerate, interested, and attentive. Remember that even though it may not turn into a long-term relationship, you may have found a good friend. Always Be Yourself.
Gayl Newton is a Living Out Mentor. To ask questions and to get coaching info, contact her at gayl@confidentlyout.com.
When having conversations with single people, the topic of finding the right person usually comes up. I have heard many dating horror stories. If you have ever had a bad date, then your description could be something like these: “worst nightmare, poster child for obnoxious bully, all- about-me princess, snob deluxe, self-absorbed maniac, lizard lips, wound-up yoyo, condescending queen, and octopus. “ And of course, the accompanying horror stories are usually very entertaining!
Everyone would like to find the perfect match. Why is finding your mate such a difficult ordeal? Why does it seem to be like mission impossible? Then, why are you repeatedly attracting the “wrong” people?
Perhaps before you start your engine to head out on the dating route again, first check your engine, maps, and all vital info! Yep, I am throwing this grenade out there… You may need to deactivate whatever funky mojo magnetism you are radiating!
Are you ready for this? This may be shocking news. The first thing you must do is Stop Masquerading and Be Authentic, i.e. Be Who You Are.
With that said… Who do you want to attract into your life? As in almost any pursuit in life it is helpful to know what you want before you can determine your plan to accomplish your mission. Even though it is imperative for you to be authentic, you may still need to do some self-improvement and tweaking.
In “The Relationship Rescue Workbook” written by Dr. Phil, he recommends identifying qualities we most admire in others and would like to have in ourselves. It’s a good place to start. So, what qualities and characteristics do you admire and value?
Just to get your thoughts rolling, here are some possible qualities to consider: sense of humor, dependable, generous, honesty, compassionate, mature, forgiving, a good listener, patient, loving, kind, respectful, trustworthy, intelligent, open-minded, fun, not too opinionated, well-mannered, sharp appearance, gracious and appreciative, educated, professional, articulate, healthy and fit, etc.
Now…Ask yourself, do you possess the qualities and characteristics you value and admire in others? If not, WHY do you think you will be a magnet for someone who possesses these awesome attributes? Haven’t you heard of the Law of Attraction?!
Before you have another nightmarish encounter, do a self-assessment. A gap analysis may be just the ticket. Get a sheet of paper and list all those attributes and qualities you desire and admire. Be honest. Is there a gap between who you are and what you are looking for in others? Describe how the reality of your life differs from the ideal or potential regarding these qualities.
Begin focusing on the qualities worth incorporating in your life. Develop specific goals directed towards closing the gap. Design an action plan per goal. Make the action steps attainable and realistic. Have a coach or friend hold you accountable to your commitments. Achieve results!
The point is, be the same caliber of person you want to attract. Respect yourself enough to work at being that person. Take action NOW!
Where will you be in five years from now? How would you feel if your life is exactly the same in five years? Is there enough time to do what you would like to do? What could you do in the next 1,825 days?
“Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Louis Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson and Albert Einstein.” ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
When looking down the road to five years, you believe you would be perfectly happy if your life remained the same as it is today, congratulations! You are in the minority. Most people can’t say that. In fact, many people would dread having their next five years remain the same as today. They would like to make some notable improvements in their lives.
Take a moment and review Your Life Wheel. On a scale of 1 to 10, rate each category where 1= not satisfied at all and 10 = being completely satisfied.
Your Life Wheel
Fun - Happiness, Hobbies
Relationship - Life Partner
Career - Job Satisfaction, Career Path
Family - Children, Parents, Relatives
Social - Friends, Sports, Activities
Health - Exercise, Diet, Overall Physical Healthiness
Financial - Savings, Investments, Debt, Wealth
Creative - Spiritual, Self-Growth
What’s your average score? If you are 7+ you have an overall passing grade; you probably have some categories that need tweaking and improvement. If you are below 7, what’s going on? You must have some areas that need more attention.
The majority of people have areas in their lives that are doing just fine; however, there are other areas that are in the dumpster. The mission is to balance your significant areas and thrive!
Your life’s journey is determined by the choices you make and the action you take. In each area, think about what you want to accomplish or have. What does “ideal” benchmarks look like to you? Write them down. Be specific. Be clear, detailed and descriptive about what your goals are. Think BIG. Think Possibilities.
“If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time.” ~ B.J. Marshall
Surround yourself with people who believe in you; who believe you can reach your dreams and want you to reach your dreams. Share your goals with them. Let them help you attain them. Be a winning and supportive team for each other. Can you name three people who can help you achieve your dreams and goals?
“One of my best moves is to surround myself with friends who, instead of asking “Why?” are quick to say “Why not?” That attitude is contagious.” ~ Oprah Winfrey
Imagine this: Being interviewed about your legacy? What do you want to say about Your Life? About your Accomplishments? Your Contributions? Your Regrets?
You know where you stand today. Do you want to maintain the status quo? If not… Stop procrastinating and take action. Every day matters.
When you are ready to see that everything is possible, including your dreams, contact me at gayl@confidentlyout.com.
By the way, a fun book I recommend is “Where Will You Be Five Years From Today” by Dan Zadra. It will stir your creative juices.
Have you ever felt that you were at the starting line, revving your motor, but you could not move? Your foot could not step on the accelerator when it was time. The only sign of any kind of vibration was the exhaust spot smudged on the pavement!
Coming OUT for many people is a similar feeling. Picture this scenario: You are ready… all dressed up… been working on your scripts…then you look in your wallet and you don’t have any cash… oh no, that would mean stopping at an ATM machine… you decide that’s too much trouble… whew! You almost walked out the door! Thank goodness you stopped yourself from opening that door and walking out! Yea… Another safe and familiar evening at home by yourself!
Are your thoughts paralyzing you from living a full life? Do you spend a lot of time revving your motor and not moving forward?
The first step in altering this paralyzing routine is to have the DESIRE to change. The beginning of all changes and achievements in our lives start with our desire. Do you really want to change or is it lip service?
“What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: Our life is the creation of our mind.” – Buddha
Imagine living the life you desire. Imagine living confidently out. Imagine having a relationship that is warm, fun and supportive. Imagine having friends who are loyal and positive. Imagine a career that you love and excel in doing. Imagine wealth. Imagine success. Imagine…
You control your thoughts, behavior and actions. As Dr. Wayne Dyer says, along with other countless gurus and therapists, “Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life”. When you change your thinking, little by little you will notice your life starting to change for the better. Your thoughts will change your actions which in turn reframes your life.
So…how and what you think creates and orchestrates your life. I’m not saying that there aren’t outside influences that also have impact, but why not take control where you can, in your thoughts.
Practical Guide To Changing Thoughts… Have the Life You Desire
1.Practice Attention. What dominates your thoughts? Be aware that attention to “what is” only creates more of “what is.” Replace negativity, worries, scary thoughts, and hopelessness with your ideal scenarios and thoughts. Think about the way you want your life to be. Begin each day visualizing how you want your day to flow. Allow yourself to dream; think BIG. It’s fun to think about possibilities. Be patient and kind with yourself. It takes practice!
2. Write Down Your Visions. Write out what you desire and want to change. Remember this is your personal goal. Maybe there is only one area you want to change. Don’t worry about whether it is possible. Assume that anything is possible.
3. Identify the Reasons For Changing. What are your motivations for wanting to do this? For instance, do you want to have inner peace and self-confidence? Do you want to be happy? Do you want to quit living a dual-life? Identify the “whys” for your changes. The reasons add fuel to your desire to achieve.
4. Develop An Action Plan. Draft a plan that outlines tasks and objectives that will help you achieve your desired changes. Refine your plan by breaking down the goal into monthly, weekly and/or daily tasks and benchmarks that will keep you on track. Think about habits and rituals you need to practice to keep you moving forward.
5. Find a Role Model, Mentor or Coach. When you know someone who has achieved what you are wanting, pick her brain! Let that person serve as a guide for helping you reach your dreams. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and guidance. If you do not know someone personally, find role models, find life coaches, read blogs, articles and books written by people you admire, go searching for inspirational people! It is reassuring to know that others have done what you want to do. Who is an inspiration for you? What can you learn from that person? Write it all down. Lastly, remind yourself every day that if others can succeed, so can you!
6. Create a Vision Board. Use your creativity to do this assignment. The idea is to create a board that represents your dreams. Find pictures, symbols, souvenirs, captions, quotes that represent your visions and desires. For instance, if you want to live happily OUT, find photos of happy gay people. If you want a loving relationship, find photos of loving couples. The vision board continuously reminds you and keeps you focused on your dreams, your daily tasks, and the thoughts you want to cultivate each day.
7. Acknowledge Gratitude. When we are confused, frustrated, depressed, or pessimistic we usually do not allow ourselves to reflect on the good things happening in our lives. Start a new daily practice! Take a moment each morning to really appreciate what you currently have in your life that is good. In the evening take another moment to review your accomplishments and experiences that occurred that day. Do this reflection either in quiet meditation, in a journal, or with someone who supports you. It can be a nice ritual to create with someone who is important in your life.
8. Believe. Believe in the power of your thoughts. All great achievements by individuals started with an idea or thought. Where there’s a will there is a way. To build your will, build your mind through strong empowering thoughts daily.
9. Take Action. Your thoughts and plans need to be combined with action to create a result. The focus on your visions and dreams will provide the energy and motivation for taking action. Think of the reasons for the changes you desire. If motivation is lacking, don’t wait for it to appear. Take action first and then watch your energy and motivation grow! Take action on your visions and goals every day. Make them a priority in your life!
“Whatever your mind can conceive and can believe, it can achieve.” – Napoleon Hill
What changes do you desire in your life? Are you happy with your status? What is the one thing you are craving to change? Are you aware of how your thoughts impact your progress? Do you want to live confidently OUT? Are You Living Confidently OUT?
It begins with you; however, you do not have to do it alone. Let me help you. For a free consultation, please contact me at gayl@confidentlyout.com
Making resolutions and not keeping them is the norm for most people. But it certainly doesn’t have to be that way! As Will Rogers said…”Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”
To get you started on making this An Exceptional Year, I encourage you to practice Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits for Highly Effective People. Stephen Covey is one of the most prolific leadership authors of our time.
To refresh your memory or to introduce you to the 7 Habits, the following provides the key points of each habit.
The first three habits focus on self mastery:
- Habit 1: Be Proactive
Take initiative in your life by realizing that your decisions are the primary determining factors for the effectiveness in your life. Take responsibility for your choices and the consequences that occur. Be responsible for your own life.
- Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind
Envision the ideal results, scenarios, characteristics, and outcomes for each area (relationships, career, wealth, health, personal growth, spirituality, recreation) in your life. With a clear idea of where you are going, examine everything in the context of what matters to you most.
- Habit 3: Put First Things First
Plan, prioritize, and execute your week’s tasks based on importance rather than urgency. Evaluate whether your efforts exemplify your desired character values and propel you toward your goals.
The next three habits focus on working with others:
- Habit 4: Think Win-Win
Genuinely strive for mutually beneficial solutions and agreements in your relationships. Value and respect people by understanding a “win” for all is ultimately a better long-term resolution than a “win-lose” situation.
- Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood
It is human nature to want to be understood, but when both parties are trying to be understood, neither party is listening. Use active, empathetic listening when conversing with others. Allow yourself to genuinely be receptive and open minded which in turn compels the other person to reciprocate by listening and being receptive to you. This creates an atmosphere of caring, respect, and positive problem solving.
- Habit 6: Synergize
Combine the strengths of people through positive teamwork and exchange of ideas. By doing so, the possibilities of achieving goals are greater.
The seventh habit relates to self-rejuvenation:
- Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw
Balance and renew your resources, energy, and health to create a sustainable, long-term, effective life.
The 7 Habits is a system that works. Modify it so it works for you. You have the power to orchestrate your life! You can keep your resolutions by being persistent and practicing positive and effective habits. Develop daily routines that are productive and progressive.
Get a deep sense of your life’s mission, purpose and value system, then establish your goals and a system of accountability that keeps you on track. Get Started Today!
“Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still.” —Chinese Proverb
If you are ready to start living an Exceptional Life, start implementing effective habits and practices, and start achieving your goals and feeling successful, contact me at gayl@confidentlyout.com.
What Are You Waiting For…Get On With It!
Do you consider yourself to be a principled person? Someone who is guided by a certain set of values? You wake up every day and try your damnedest to practice and live by your principles?
I am one of these people. I live practicing my principles and values. And, like everyone else, I am not always a 100% successful in my efforts. In fact, those closest to me remind me when I screw up.
To give you some ideas to ponder, I thought I would share my principles and values. I call them the Newton’s List. I actually just added # 10 to the list. I realized I frequently emphasized #10 to my children as they were growing up. It only made sense to include it in My List.
1. Be Grateful
2. Be Generous
3. Give Back to the Community
4. Help Others Without Expecting Anything In Return
5. Listen to Learn
6. Appreciate Differences
7. Do My Homework Prior to Making Decisions, Judgments or Opinions
8. Be Honest. However, Don’t Let Honesty Be An Excuse to Be Cruel or to Hurt Someone Else
9. Laugh Everyday
10. Show Up
These are fairly simple to understand and genuine in meaning. I can write volumes about my list and perhaps I will at a later time. However, it is for certain that when I practice these principles, I am a happier person and everyone around me is glad, too.
When you decide: you want to change for the better; you want to be happier; you want to attract positive people into your life; you want to have fabulous career or business opportunities… I encourage you to first examine your principles and values. Be honest with yourself. What defines you?
You may say that you are a kind, generous, forgiving person, but do your actions reflect what you “think” you believe. Are you only intellectualizing your beliefs and not practicing them?
A true belief defines your focus and actions. When you do not live by your principles, you undermine your integrity. Remember that old saying: Actions Speak Louder Than Words.
Now is a great time to ponder about your values and principles; take time to cogitate. Put some definition in what you are all about. Have some guidelines that you will at least strive to follow!
What is it you aspire to be or do? You are known by your deeds. Please make your existence a positive legacy!
When you’re ready to Get On With It, contact me at gayl@confidentlyout.com. I am ready to help you live the life that you want!
In my program, Seven Steps to Break Free, available at www.confidentlyout.com, I covered how to break free of old habits to live Confidently OUT. I split the program into two major parts… (1) Love Yourself and (2) Orchestrate Your Life.
Let’s focus on the first part, Love Yourself. There are three steps: (1) Stop Criticizing Yourself; (2) Stop Scaring Yourself; and, (3) Be Kind & Patient with Yourself.
Most of us have a fairly clear understanding about what it means to criticize ourselves. We have lots of experience in doing negative self-talk. Hell, for most people it’s a bad habit. For instance, we start our day by looking in the mirror at our imperfections…wrinkles, droopy eyelids, shaggy eyebrows, graying hair, circles under the eyes, zits, and on and on. Then when we put on our glasses, we start the process all over! And lord help us when we look in a full length mirror!
Looking in the mirror is actually a very simple example of criticism. There are many more complex, devastating and cruel examples that we do routinely. The prescription is… STOP the Mental Garbage! However, even though this is a critical topic that can be dissected and then reframed, I am not going to focus on it right now.
I want to focus on the second component… Quit Scaring Yourself!
“Scaring Yourself” is very paralyzing, terrifying, exhausting, and a real show-stopper! When you are scared you try to control everything and everybody around you. It is absolutely an exhausting way to live. I can remember before I came out, I was scared to run into old friends and have to introduce them to “my friend.” I would get so uptight that my behavior was very bizarre.
Most of my fears were based on assumptions. I just knew that if my family found out I was gay, they would shun me and lock the doors. I also believed that my daughters would hate me and be embarrassed about me being their mother. I then believed that I would be ostracized by everybody at work. I had fears coming out the wazoo! I had composed many extreme scenarios that caused a lot of unnecessary anxiety and angst. Most of them were proven to be wrong.
Probably there was only one fear that was realistic… my husband would be hurt and extremely upset when he found out I was gay. That did happen. I remember having “the gay” conversation with him that ended in an ugly yelling match. However, there was one positive thing that happened during our volcanic discussion. I finally said the word “lesbian.” Up until that moment, I had only called myself a gay person or woman, but not a lesbian. When I yelled “I am a LESBIAN,” he finally stopped trying to convince me that I was just going through a phase. This may seem odd, but that experience was very liberating for me.
Amidst all these fears, we frequently paralyze ourselves from living an authentic life or from taking positive action. We scare ourselves into believing bad assumptions! We believe the worst case scenarios will always happen: we will not be loved; we will be uninvited from family gatherings; we will lose our jobs; we will not be promoted; we will be all alone; on and on and on and on! It’s exhausting and demoralizing.
The first course of action I recommend is to truly determine what information is real and what is not. Assumptions are not facts. Stop self-inflicting unnecessary mental anguish, paranoia, and anxiety. Stop processing mental junk! Find out facts and reliable information.
Another recommendation, when confronting others, practice effective communication skills! When having crucial conversations about emotionally charged topics or high stake issues, stay engaged and calm. If you are too emotional, they will react to the emotions and not hear the message.
To truly live Confidently OUT, Quit Assuming… Quit Scaring Yourself!
If you want to live confidently out and not there yet, contact me for a free 20 minute consultation at gayl@confidentlyout.com. What’s Stopping You from Living Confidently OUT?
Get On With It!
Have you ever woken up at 3am thinking about something, worrying about something, having an anxiety attack, sweating, agitating, coughing, whatever. Well, I woke up at 3am recently, but it was not for any of the regular reasons. I had Whitney Houston singing “Greatest Love of All” in my head for at least an hour. Now, I ask you, what was that all about?!
I remember when that song came out in 1986. My daughter was not three years old yet. Since I was a relatively new parent, I primarily listened to the part about “I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside, give them a sense of pride…” I actually did not focus much on the rest of the lyrics. I was focusing on how to be a good parent and instill within my child love and confidence. Well, now she is grown-up and full of love and confidence!
I on the other hand, found myself awake at 3 am about to lose my mind with the tune looping in my head and not knowing all the words. When the alarm went off, I had to immediately look up the lyrics. I now know the rest of the song! I want to share the chorus with you.
[Chorus]
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I’ll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can’t take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all
I love the words to the chorus! They speak volumes to me. And to think I did not pay much attention to the chorus 25 years ago.
Particularly over the past several years, I have done quite a bit of soul searching and reading. I literally devoured many personal-development books trying to get a handle on my inner workings. I was on a quest to figure out how to simultaneously have a successful life and career.
I came across several books written by Louise Hay. If you are familiar with her writings, you know that she bases a person’s lack of success, resistance to change, roadblocks, etc. on two main reasons: not loving yourself enough and not believing you are good enough. Voila! Her two reasons hit home with me.
When I was growing up, I was well taken care-of. According to my parents’ own upbringing and society’s standards, providing for your family meant love. Thus, I knew my parents loved me because I had just about everything I needed or wanted. So why did I feel unimportant, not good enough, and like an inconvenience. Probably, because I was the third daughter and I truly believed that my parents wanted a son. Plus, I had to fight for any attention. Then, I don’t recall a whole lot of praising, hugging and recognition.
Looking back on my childhood, my mother frequently seemed to be exhausted and irritated. I guess she got tired of making cupcakes and costumes, carpooling, cooking, cleaning, and disciplining. She, in many ways, was like a single parent. My father was always working or doing his art (he was a very prolific and creative artist). My mother was competing for his attention right along with us.
I remember getting excited and feeling honored when my father was able to make any of my performances. Since he was the only doctor in town, he missed a lot of important functions and events. I felt like I was competing with my hometown for his time.
Based on my upbringing, it’s not hard for me to understand why I had those feelings of insignificance and not measuring up. Fortunately, today my relationship with my parents is quite wonderful and very loving. Plus, they have been the most generous and loving grandparents to my children.
So you see, I know what it’s like to feel insignificant, to struggle with loving myself, and to believe that I am not good enough. These feelings and beliefs are very detrimental in achieving a fabulous life. The negative self-talk is so believable that it paralyzes you and entraps you. What an exhausting life!
I have been studying ways and learning how to get over myself… to get out of my way… and to get on with it! It is absolutely possible! You can have it all.
So…how do you accomplish self love and appreciation? The first step is to Practice Attention. What does that mean? Pay Attention to your thoughts, your beliefs, your emotions, your actions, and your results.
Pay Attention to What Is Happening In and Around YOU! You are in control of your success or lack of success.
If you are interested in generously living, having a successful life, and love waking up every day, contact me for a free 20 minute consultation at gayl@confidentlyout.com.
Get On With It!
Is Your Image Working For You?
I’m going to let you know something about me… I have an image problem!
My entire life, maintaining a certain image has been a really a big deal to me! Keeping Up Appearances was important! I had to meet certain expectations and look the part! Whether it was the excelling student, the faithful church-goer, the dutiful daughter, the popular girl in school, so forth, I was on a mission. So why was this necessarily a problem?
Because keeping up appearances got in the way of being real! It got in the way of being honest! It got in the way of taking action!
Here’s a little background about the origins of my “image issues” and my need to keep up appearances. I was raised in the “Southern” traditions. My Mama, bless her heart, was always such a gracious hostess and a proper, sophisticated lady. My father hailed from Nashville, Tennessee (very southern background); he was the fourth son of Rev. and Mrs. Smith. My grandfather was a Southern Baptist minister and my grandmother was the epitome of a Southern Belle.
Then in addition to having the “Southern influence”, my father was the only doctor in my hometown. I believed I had to meet certain expectations. In my community everybody knew each other. There were expectations, protocol, traditions, norms and roles that were understood and upheld. To give you an idea about the environment, when I was growing up, a “mixed marriage” meant that a Baptist married a Catholic (taboo back then).
I knew how to be a “Southern Lady”, whether I practiced it or not. I knew what was expected of me and how I should behave. Having a “well put-together” façade became the norm for me. Which meant it got in the way of being genuine and honest with me, plus with others? In other words, it was more important to maintain a fabulous, proper image than to be in alignment and genuine with myself!
The image phenomenon had been a big whammy for me to overcome. I first had to work through the need to be perfect and liked when I Came OUT. I did not want to be an embarrassment to my parents, family, children or myself. I did not want to be rejected or ridiculed by friends and professional peers. Since being Gay was considered an abomination according to the teachings of my church, there went my image of normalcy and perfection! It was exhausting keeping up appearances. I wanted to be accepted; therefore, I had an image to uphold!
How did I overcome my battles with image and keeping up appearances? It’s kind of like the AA program. I first had to identify my fears; then be aware of the patterns and signals of my emotions; and, then forcibly blast through that gunk! Of course, I have simplified the description of my process; however, granted it’s not easy, but working through the fear is doable.
I still deal with the need to be liked and admired, but I am not paralyzed anymore. Being honest with myself and recognizing what is happening are key elements to overcoming the fear. When this happens, I get a hold of my thoughts before they pick up momentum. I focus on what I want to happen rather than what I do not want.
Perhaps you have similar circumstances and fears. Perhaps you have been paralyzed by “old beliefs” that don’t work for you anymore. Perhaps your alignment needs tweaking.
Believe this… You can orchestrate your life and take control of your experiences. Creating a successful, genuine life is possible.
If you are ready to be in alignment with your image, contact me at gayl@confidentlyout.com.
Get On With It!
What is it you aspire to be or do? You are known by your deeds. Please make your existence a positive legacy!
When you’re ready to Get On With It, contact me at gayl@confidentlyout.com. I am ready to help you live the life that you want!
<strong>Want to be Attractive? Wear Some Confidence</strong>
Confidence is probably one of the most potent secret ingredients to being attractive! Believing in yourself exudes quality and character and catches the attention of many admirers. In fact, regardless of whether you are straight or gay, one of the most highly rated turn-ons in polls is confidence.
So what is meant when someone refers to confidence? Confidence is seen in how you present yourself such as walking, talking and dressing and in how you believe and treat yourself and others, i.e. your attitude. You value who you are and have a healthy self-esteem.
Several studies state that confidence starts when you believe in yourself and who you are. It is built upon the feeling that you are an important, desirable and loveable person. In addition, the confident person believes she is deserving of love from a high quality mate. Thus, self confidence attracts the attention and admiration of high caliber individuals.
So how are you measuring up? Are you finding your dream dates? Are you attracting individuals who possess top qualities such as fun, warmth, intelligence, generous, honest and confident? If you are only getting lackluster results in your field of attraction, perhaps now is a good time to try on some confidence! And just how do you acquire confidence?
The first step is to actually learn to value who you are. It is nearly impossible to convince others that you are an exceptional person, if you don’t believe it! It is your sense of self value that ultimately attracts someone of similar caliber.
Are you familiar with the quote by Dr. Sonya Friedman ~ “<em>The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.”</em><em>
</em>We actually show people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. If we don’t love and value who we are inside, we subconsciously believe that we don’t deserve to be loved and valued. If you don’t respect yourself, no one else will.
To cultivate a genuine belief in yourself that comes from within, be prepared to pay the price for this extraordinary confidence. Whenever you want something of a higher nature, you have to give up something of a lower nature (i.e. bad habits, bad attitude, and negative self-talk).
The more you understand yourself and who you really are, the more confidence you will develop. The lack of self-confidence prevents you from expressing your heart’s desire. Choose then the “study of yourself” as your highest priority.
<ul>
<li><strong>Know Your Source. </strong>Everything comes from one source (God, Universe, Tao, Spirit, and Supreme Being) and it comes through people. It does not come from people, but through people. Your confidence cannot be granted or earned by another person.</li>
<li><strong>Think, speak and act only wonderfully about yourself</strong>. Never refer to yourself in a derogatory way. Do not abuse yourself. Discipline your mind.</li>
<li><strong>Surround yourself only with people and influences that support your purpose and your dreams</strong>; <strong>they respect how special you really are</strong>. Do not hang with others who do not believe that there is something wonderful about themselves. If they do not see how wonderful they are and respect themselves, they are unable to respect anyone else. They will be manipulative.</li>
<li><strong>Decide with Ease</strong>. Do not doubt your ability to make good decisions. Don’t worry about what will happen after you’ve made your decision; instead, learn from the outcome of the results.</li>
<li><strong>Continue Growth & Learning</strong>. Ignorance is not bliss. Stretch your knowledge and skills. Feed your soul, mind and body. The road to your success is a progressive course, not an end to be reached.</li>
<li><strong>Allow Yourself to Receive</strong>. Expect good in order to get good.</li>
</ul>
Before you fully begin to love someone, possess the inner confidence that you are worthy of happiness and love. Believe that you are loving, lovable, and loved and conclude that a high quality, wonderful person is destined to be your mate.
Choose the study of yourself as your highest priority. Treat yourself with value. <strong>Discover how to attract your soul mate.</strong>
<strong>To take the major step towards building self-confidence, contact me at </strong><a href=”mailto:gayl@confidentlyout.com”><strong>gayl@confidentlyout.com</strong></a><strong>.
</strong>
I like this site because so much useful material on here : D.
Wonderful step by step understandable ways to move forward in life. Thanks, Gayl.