I will post some questions you all have asked me.  If you want to email me a question, go right ahead.  I will post it anonymously, don’t worry.  You can send it to gayl@confidentlyout.com.  Here’s the latest:

Ask Gayl

Dear Gayl,

I am in love with a married woman. We meet once a week for lunch or dinner; there has not been any physical intimacy, but we have such deep conversations.  She tells me her marriage is on the rocks and that they will probably divorce soon.  I want our relationship to be more than a once a week outing. Do you think I should tell her how I feel?

Connie

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Dear Connie,

WHOA! Let me see if I understand your situation correctly. You have an emotional connection and a physical attraction for a married woman; however, there has not been any indication from your friend that she is attracted to you. Take Heed: She may be in the process of getting a divorce, but that does not mean she will leave the “hetero” team. By the way, does she know you are Gay?

First, ending a marriage is very disruptive to one’s established world. The person needs space, time, support and less confusion. If you confess your love to this woman at this time, you may be sorely disappointed with her reaction.  Although YOU may be ready to progress the relationship to another level, she probably is not. She may not even have a clue about your affection.

Ordinarily, straight women do not view other women as potential lovers. They seek female friendships to have confidants and companions to do stuff with. They size-up other women based on appearance, jobs, parenting, marital status, hobbies and interests, neighborhoods, church and community involvement… not on sexual interest.

I was married; however, I suspected there was something not straight about me!  When I finally realized that I had been denying my sexuality, only then did I feel compelled to do something. I actually made the first move on my soon-to-be girlfriend. Let me emphasize this point:  I first was certain (actually fairly certain) that I was Gay before I would kiss the girl.

If I were in your shoes, to find out if she had any inclination on having a romantic relationship with you, I would initiate a conversation based on “hypothetically, if you were Gay” theme with your friend. She may tell you, without being awkward, that she is not Gay. Then, what’s the point of pursuing her? If you tell her that you love her and she is not prepared for this confession nor is she interested, then the awkwardness and the “elephant in the room” will be felt and exist between the two of you probably forever.

Regardless, you may still feel compelled to throw it out there to see what happens. Be prepared for anything, including fewer lunch dates.

Regards,

Gayl

Gayl Newton is a Living OUT Mentor who works with gays and lesbians to help them embrace who they are and live with confidence. For more articles and coaching information go to www.confidentlyout.com.

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Dear Gayl,

I need to break-up with my girlfriend because I just can’t see us having a future together.  First, we are not in sync whatsoever. I have a fabulous job, workout 5 times per week and enjoy working on a few hobbies. She has very little ambition, doesn’t like her job, and sits on the couch from the time she gets home until she goes to bed watching sports on TV. It drives me nuts!  But sadly, more than anything else, I’m not in love with her. How do I break-up with her? I don’t want to hurt her; she is actually a very nice person.

Linda

Dear Linda,

Breaking-up is never easy to do. As you probably have heard, there are countless horrific stories about break-ups. However, it doesn’t have to be that way.

Prep-Work.  Prepare to have the “break-up” talk.  Write down an outline of major points. Do not be petty or overdo it. They are to reflect the key issues that bother you.  Look at the issues and become absolutely certain that breaking-up is the course of action needed.

Next, mentally prepare yourself for any reaction. Hopefully, the conversation remains civil; but, if not, mentally practice staying calm and compassionate. Calmness eventually leads to calming the other person.

Honesty is the best policy.  However, honesty is not an excuse to be brutally cruel. Sit down with your girlfriend and tell her  “she is a wonderful person, but you’ve come to believe the two of you  are not wonderful together. You have different interests, ambitions, and directions. You do not see your lives complementing and supporting each other.  You value her friendship and want more than anything to stay friends.”

It is very important to maintain dignity and respect at all times. Be patient and let her ask questions. Listen, stay calm, and be honest with your answers. As much as possible, be sensitive and compassionate in your delivery. Be respectful.  The message and reasons for breaking up are not to be confusing or diluted, but be handled tactfully.

Remember, your decision to break-up may not be viewed as  favorably or mutually desired by your girlfriend. Truly, in the short run, breaking up may not be in the best interest of your girlfriend (i.e. financially, living accommodations, socially, etc).  She may lash back by screaming  out all of your faults and inadequacies. Even though you may feel the urge to strike back with your list of yucky stuff, refrain from doing so! Stay calm and let her wrath blow over.

Your mission is to have a civil break-up; it will not be painless. Do not give mixed signals because you do not feel good  about initiating the break-up.  You must take ownership and responsibility for the decision.

When it is appropriate timing (could be immediately or the next day, do not wait too long), discuss logistics for physical separation. Do not be petty during this process. Offer to help.

You have strengthened the possibilities of having a civil break-up by being honest, remaining calm and engaged, taking responsibility for the decision, being respectful and maintaining dignity (yours and hers). Hopefully, within the near future, friendship will follow.

Regards,

Gayl

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Dear Gayl,

My partner passed away 13 months ago from breast cancer. We were together for 8 years. I am feeling the need to force myself to meet new people. I am really nervous about getting back into the “dating game”.  What do I do first?  How will I know if someone is interested in me? How do I ask someone out?  I guess I need a refresher on the basics.

Sheila

 

Dear Sheila,

So sorry to read about your partner passing away. Several years ago, I too lost a partner to breast cancer. It is an experience that deeply affected every aspect of my life. I commend you for taking that major step on getting out of the house.

I first suggest that you have dinner and/or cocktails with friends. Tell them that you are wanting to start dating again and need their help. Friends ordinarily look out for your best interests. Friends can be very instrumental conduits to meeting good people. However, remember… do not turn over the reins to your friends on selecting your dates.

Another popular method to meeting new people is through on-line dating sites such as Match.com. and lesbian personals.com, etc. When browsing through the sites, you probably would consider people who are in close proximity, similar political views, your age range, and other similar interests such as books or movies, sports, hobbies. Plus, always look at photos.

Other places to meet lesbians are at lesbian events, places of worship, classes, volunteer projects, clubs and associations, festivals, and other community-involvement activities and functions. Obtain community calendars and read local publications to find out what is happening in your area. You have to go where people are in order to meet them.

When you meet someone (not a date), the best advice I can give you is first be interested in order to be interesting. Ask questions about her. Talk about current events and fun trivia. Do not dominate the conversation talking about yourself. Remember that “conversation” is key to whether you proceed or not.

If you are interested in the conversation and feel engaged and it is reciprocated, then more than likely she would be receptive to going on a date. So… take a deep breath and ask her if she would like to go to dinner or for her phone number. However, if you are not feeling connected, if the conversation is not flowing, if it is argumentative, if it is not fun or interesting, move on!  Value your time; there are others to meet.

Watch for cues on body language and eye contact. If your eyes or her eyes do not stay focused or engaged on each other, usually not a favorable sign. If she keeps her arms crossed and is leaning away from you, usually not a welcoming sign. However, if you both maintain good eye contact, lean towards each other, are freely expressive, these are good signs that there is  possible interest. Ask for her phone number or to see her again.

Always be genuine. Be the “real you” when meeting people. If you are trying to be overly impressive, you will run the risk of being too obnoxious or strange. Plus, you will be exhausted at the end of the day!

Do not be pressured to find your true love. Enjoy meeting new people. You will discover some fascinating people and perhaps some life-long friends that you value and treasure forever.

Regards,

Gayl

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Dear Gayl,

I have a social hang-up. I get cold feet when it comes to meeting people. I can be at a party and see someone I would like to meet, but I just freeze-up. I absolutely feel like I have cement shoes. What can I do to overcome this paralysis?

Trisha

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Dear Trisha,

Social anxiety is experienced by many people. They fear rejection, feeling and looking stupid, and saying something ridiculous.  If social anxiety is making you agitated and isolated, then it is time to change your behavior.

First, let’s do some prep work to move through your fears and anxieties:

• Have a self pep-talk. Believe everyone who is in the room is just like you.  Tell yourself they are interested in meeting you and having a conversation with you. Boost your confidence. Take some deep breaths to calm yourself. Remind yourself that is fun to make new friends.
• Visualize.  Mentally see yourself acting confident, relaxed and in control. Imagine every detail of the situation, including where the encounter will take place, what you will be wearing and who will be present. Visualize a positive outcome. Imagine laughing and enjoying the interaction.
• Act.  Even though you may be scared to death, pretend to be someone at who is confident, friendly, relaxed and approachable. Though it might feel inauthentic at first, using this technique will trick your mind into believing you really do feel confident and comfortable.
• Rehearse. Practice how you want to introduce yourself. Practice having conversations; focus on asking questions. People enjoy talking about themselves so prepare a couple of questions to ask about what they enjoy doing. Know some trivia.

Now, let’s go over some steps to practice at the social event:

• Be Authentic. Be Yourself. Do not imitate someone else because you are afraid that you will not be liked or thought to be boring.
• Smile. A smile connects with others. It is ensures kindness and consideration.
• Maintain Eye Contact. Look at the other person directly in the eye. Be engaged in the conversation and make the other person feel important.  Do not look at your cell phone.
• Say People’s Names.  People like to hear their names spoken by others. It equates to importance and relevance. Plus, it helps you remember their names.

Of course, walking up to someone and begin talking is a big hurdle to jump.  Let’s put all the steps into practice and see how they can work:

1) Pep talk. Tell yourself that person wants to meet you. 2) Visualize seeing yourself walking up to that person and introducing yourself. 3) Act confidently and friendly. 4) Smile. 5) Repeat her name. 6) Be yourself.  7) Maintain eye contact throughout the conversation. If appropriate, get her phone number.  Repeat the sequence.

We all fear rejection and have anxiety about messing up. Take baby steps. Practice and build your confidence so that you can conquer these fears. It is worth the effort to broaden and enhance your world.  Remember that you are not alone.

Something to keep in mind, the person throwing the party may be afraid no one will come. We all have anxieties.

Gayl Newton is a Living Out Mentor. You can contact her at gayl@confidentlyout.com.

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Dear Gayl,

I am in a new relationship with a really neat girl, Bella. Everything is going great. However, there is something I am concerned about. If we have any disagreement we do pretty good on working things out, except when it is about her best friend, Marcy.  It’s like a grenade goes off.  I feel like Bella chooses Marcy over me.

Don’t you think it’s absurd that Bella always answers Marcy’s calls regardless of what we are doing? They do everything together such as:  play sports together, go have drinks together, go visit their friends’ together, plus they have the same friends. They have been friends for years. I do not feel included nor am I asked to join them. I love Bella and want to figure this out. I think Bella wants our relationship to work. Any suggestions?

Claudia

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Dear Claudia;

I will start by saying you are not alone; yours is not a unique scenario. One of the most difficult challenges, particularly in a same sex relationship, is establishing boundaries with friends and blending with friends. It would be great if everybody got along and liked each other.

Some questions I have for you are:  Do you have any close friends? Do you have any mutual friends? Do you have similar schedules of free time? Do you have any similar interests? Do Bella and you have fun together? Do you have fun around other people? Do you like Marcy? Do you trust Marcy? Do you and Marcy spend time together? Have you had any meaningful conversations with Marcy? Do you think you are jealous of their relationship, time, importance, enjoyment?

I can ask many more questions. The intent is to objectively and realistically assess the situation. I want you to ask yourself these questions I’ve mentioned. Try to remove your emotions and opinions when looking at what’s happening.

Blending with friends and families is not an easy task. Bella and Marcy have a lot in common and have a lot of history together. In other words, Marcy may have outlasted Bella’s other girlfriends. Best friends can be very influential; they are either helpful or intrusive. Very seldom are they neutral.

Let’s work from the premise that Bella and you want to make your relationship top priority. There are several key areas that you can focus on to immediately bolster your relationship.  These areas need to be established and respected:

Boundaries – Agree on parameters that are manageable. Considerations to determine:  what are negotiable and what are non-negotiable items; what are joint priorities; frequency of social outings; other time commitments; bedroom privacy, and people involvement. Examples: You agree to both be home by 8pm, unless otherwise discussed. No answering phone during dinnertime and cell phones are off limits when you crawl into bed. If you go to happy hour, invite the other to join or at least communicate plans and be home on time.  Remember, these boundaries must be agreed upon. If you end up policing and penalizing because of the boundaries, what you have in place is not working. The boundaries are to be and feel respectful of each other, not to hold you hostage.

Communication – It is always better to overly communicate than not enough. Talk to each other about everything. Find out about what is important to each other, feelings, favorite things, pet peeves, goals and dreams, fears and phobias, food, children, families, etc. Get to really know each other better than anyone else. Make each other feel special, loved and safe. Build trust and respect.

Common Interests – Explore what you and Bella enjoy doing together such as projects, travel, entertaining friends, cooking, golf, fishing, hiking, etc. If you do not like sports, do you enjoy being a spectator? It is not necessary to do everything together, but it is healthy to do some (enough) things together. It is critical that you have fun together and feel connected. Orchestrate your relationship so that you are not running parallel, but that there are enough intersecting times that you are in sync with each other.

Host social occasions – One way to know each other’s friends is to have social times at your home like dinners, BBQs, happy hours, game nights, movie nights, or just hanging out. Another way, you plan outings such as going to events, meeting for happy hour, meeting for dinner, going to movies, so forth. The key is to become familiar and more comfortable with each other’s friends. There will usually be somebody who is not your favorite person to be around, but there will be others who are fun and likeable. Make efforts to blend friends and be more inclusive. Your mission is to avoid where you always go with your friends and she goes with hers.  Be Inclusive.

Spontaneity – Surprise each other in ways that you know are appreciated and liked. Break the routine and break away from all others and do for each other.

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I recently heard an interview with the husband of the longest marriage (78 years) on record what he attributes the success of their wedded longevity. He replied, “It’s simple. You have to give and take and compromise.” Happy, long term relationships are to be tended and nurtured.  If you continuously feel like you are competing for time, attention and love, it’s a challenge to muster up the energy, focus and desire to take care of your relationship.

I encourage you to strive to take away the competitiveness and focus on the togetherness. Always make your partner feel more special and important than your friends. Good friends end up being part of your extended family.

Gayl Newton works with lesbians to help them embrace who they are and live with confidence. Contact Gayl at gayl@confidentlyout.com to help you live Confidently OUT.

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Dear Gayl,

I recently came out and I don’t know how and where to meet people. I am in my mid thirties and went through a messy divorce. At this stage, I am not interested in having a relationship. I need to find friends. Can you give me direction on how to meet other lesbians? 

Lacy

Dear Lacy,

Meeting people is a frequently asked question by “newbies”.  Just like meeting friends in the straight world, there are similarities on how to meet lesbians. One of the best ways to meet people is through friends. However, if you do not know too many lesbians, there are other ways.

Here are some suggestions:

Friends:     Meeting people through mutual friends, at private parties and dinners is a great way to meet people.

Internet:    Keyword Search is Lesbian

• Facebook … search for LGBT organizations, events, groups in your city
• Yahoo Groups… search using keyword  lesbian in your city
• Meet Up Groups … keyword lesbian in your city

Organizations:   Attend meetings, mixers, events, activities and fundraisers to find out about the organizations and to meet people.

• Human Rights Campaign – HRC
• LGBT Chamber of Commerce in your city
• Stonewall Democrats
• Women’s Business Networks

Associations & Clubs:  Whatever your hobbies and interests, find out if there are any clubs. Here are some ideas:

• Golf
• Softball
• Hiking
• Bowling
• Running
• Tennis
• Fishing
• Hunting
• Cycling
• Motor Cycles
• Dancing
• Square Dancing
• Book Club
• Wine Clubs
• Dinner Clubs
• Cooking & Grilling

Gyms:     Many lesbians workout routinely.  Look in Gay Business Directory to see which gyms are listed.

Sports Events:    Many lesbians are sports enthusiasts. Attend local sports events.

Churches:   There are several churches that are gay friendly. Find churches listed on the internet, Gay Business Directory, and local Gay Publications.

School & Community Education:   Take classes that interest you. You may meet someone who has similar interests. If not, at least you learned new information.

Bars & Social Scene:    There are usually lesbian and gay bars in every sizable city. Often, they are located within close proximity to other gay-owned or gay supported businesses… Gayborhood.  There may be cafes, coffeehouses, and wine bars in the area. Many lesbians enjoy going to these venues.

Festivals:   Lesbians love festivals!

LGBT Community Center: Many cities have a community center that has resources, activities, support groups, events, and is a central clearinghouse of information about the community.

It is always easier to do activities and go places if you have a friend who is willing to go with you. It is also a good idea to do activities you enjoy doing. You may meet others who have common interests. Possible friendships could develop.

Above all, be safe and careful. Use your intuition, common sense and street smarts!

If you would like to have a consultation regarding living confidently as a lesbian, contact me at gayl@confidentlyout.com.

Regards,

Gayl

 

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Question:

I am a parent who has recently come out. I have two children; one is 15 and the other 12. I am divorced from their father. How do I come out to my teenagers?

Mary

Answer:

Hi Mary,

I had a very similar situation when I came out. I had (I still have, but they are older) two daughters who were 17 and 11. They were very involved with school activities and having fun with their friends. I was very concerned about “scarring” them for life! Plus, I did not want them to reject me.

Here are my suggested guidelines to Coming Out to Children:

• The first suggestion… Be certain about your sexual orientation. That may sound ridiculous, but if you have any doubt whatsoever, do not say anything to your children. Until you are absolutely certain that you are Gay, don’t disrupt everyone’s lives.
• However, if you are certain that you are Gay, the next suggestion I have is to write a script. When you talk to your children, you need to sound confident, genuine and compassionate. Do not come across as ashamed about being Gay. In your script, you may want to include some of these points:
  • Explain when and how you realized you are Gay, i.e. the process you went through to realizing you are Gay
  • Being Gay does not change your relationship with them
  • Being Gay does not mean you love them differently
  • Reassure them you are still the same person
  • Let them know you will answer all their questions
  • Explain to them that you need to be true to yourself
  • Tell them that you were born this way; it is not a choice
  • Let them know that you are aware that they may need some time to process this new revelation.
• If you have a civil relationship with their father, you may consider talking to him prior to talking to your children. Your children may immediately want to talk to someone and it just may be their Dad they turn to.
• If you have a close friend, who is also a friend with your children, talk to her first. Practice having this crucial conversation with her.

Let me reiterate this one point… Do not come across as being ashamed because you are Gay. Be patient, compassionate, and genuine in your conversation with them.

I have worked with several people on Coming Out to their children, families and friends. This is a “Big Deal”.

If you are seeking more guidance, reassurance, tips, or someone to brainstorm with, contact me. For an initial free twenty minute consultation contact me at gayl@confidentlyout.com or call me at 210-394-8343.

I can help you embrace who you are so you will live confidently out!

Regards,

Gayl